the thing is that it’s easier to say that it’s my fault, because if it isn’t my fault then that means that i couldn’t control it, that i couldn’t make it not happen. (“it” is a lot of things, sometimes it is only that i can’t get out of bed. i don’t want to think about why.) i wonder if i’ll ever not be this way. it’s qualitatively better, and yet. my shrink told me to try and think about a good thing about being here, or about starting t (?). the only thing i can come up with is: i’m not dead. i hate spelling it all out because it’s way too honest, but it’s hard to figure out what to do. i’m tired. spite is a good motivator but it can only carry me so far.
everything comes down to a stupid truism. like. #it’s hard to be a body in space. i fell on my face getting on the bus one morning this week. no one on the bus acknowledged that it happened, except the driver who said: you can take your time. i couldn’t stop laughing anxiously. (what else is there to do?) i sat down next to an older man who said: at least you can laugh about it. a couple weeks ago, a girl in my program that lives in my building invited me over for tea. i told her (i don’t remember why it came up) that i thought it was a funny gay joke that i got fired from christian summer camp for being queer or gay or whatever. she didn’t get the joke, she said she thought it just seemed sad.
amy made me such a good sandwich on friday night. i keep listening to my frankie cosmos tape. i spent all day saturday with friends. the leaves are starting to turn. i just want to give you context. it almost makes it worse because i feel ungrateful. that’s not a helpful feedback loop. i don’t remember what the point was, anyway.
i’m always trying to write myself out of feeling bad, but maybe it’s different to learn how to sit with it. (can i? how do you do that?) there’s a big welt on my shin. i keep thinking that my voice is different but i can’t know for sure. i don’t want to keep a record. it might be different this time but i won’t know until it happens, or until i do it.